An update is coming

I promise, I have one coming.

Today I am 20 weeks and 1 day. Or, half baked.

I had a melt down this past Tuesday (this wasn't the first, either). Apparently I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that I am going to have this small person being totally dependant on me in 5 months. I've never had to care for anything more than a cat, and everyone knows they are pretty much self sufficient. I'm also realizing I'm pretty selfish. Seems like as part of my freak out, all I can think about is ME. I won't have me time, I won't be able to just pick up an go when I want, I have to be responsible...

But I know. Once the kid is here, I will still be able to do everything I love doing, and I get to share it with this little person (and Jonathan, but thats a given.) And I know, everything that I think is great now, will be that much better sharing it with my family.

So yeah, I am excited, I just don't show it like a normal person would. I am anxious and freaking out, and the way I keep those bad emotions at bay is by being almost apathetic toward the whole situation.

You know how I've mentioned that I don't like talking about baby stuff to people? Well, I've also come to realize that that happens to be my coping mechanism. I've been like this my whole life - before big tests, auditions, anything that could make you nervous. I push it out of my mind until its over with and then I let all the feelings come.


So anyway. Enough of that.

I have my anatomy scan tomorrow. Which means, we will be finding out if we are having a son or daughter! I am excited about that, but again, I'm not thinking about it. If I think about it, I won't be able to sleep. Its like the night before the first day of school, or Christmas Eve.

So, 9:00 AM. But I won't post here until we tell the parents, and obviously I have to get home to post. Ooh, fun times, we are going Burlington Baby Depot to price compare cribs and car seats. Jonathan is real excited (note the sarcasm).